Good evening, boys and girls. It has been a LONG time since I have blogged. Its time to get back on track. I have to admit, Ive been a bad, bad dieter. I did good for a little while, up until my birthday and then I really went bananas. No bueno. I dont really know what gets in my way. I think that maybe if I keep writing on here, and maybe get some positive, encouraging comments that it would help me. So, PLEASE, help an overweight chick out, if possible. So currently, I weigh in at 190 lbs. I want to start off with small goals, because, well every goal is a goal and if you reach it, you accomplished something. My first goal will be to make it to 170 lbs. Twenty pounds from my current weight. I am going to give myself a deadline(that word sounds kind of harsh doesnt it?) of May 1st. Its doable. The problem is just, you know, actually doing it. I want to make this happen. I would love to go shopping and feel AWESOME in the fitting room. My long term goal is 150 lbs. I want to keep my curves. I love being a woman. I want to keep my baby making hips. Heres a picture of the type of body I aspire to..

Ive been a bad blogger. No posts for over a month! Its been a crazy month. First off, i feel like SHIT. Im constantly nauseous! I feel like my food is always in my chest coming back up! Eeek i know, gross. Tell me about it! Its been more than 2 months now. And tonight i started my antibiotic AGAIN the same one that tore my stomach to shreds last month, to get rid of a sore throat, mucus and ear infections! Ahhhhhh. too much! I am convinced I have an ulcer(s), and that its due to my years of anxiety that have affected the way my food is digested. I am afraid of taking medicine to fix the digestion issue in fear of nausea as a side effect!!! Never ending cycle. Anyone deal with something like this? Help!

Hey ya'll. Dont mind me if I sound like a huge loser of a complainer in a couple seconds. Starting NOW. Today, well, today sucked. I dont know what is wrong with me but all day it has taken every ounce of control to not burst into tears. I just feel so not happy with my appearance. I feel so disgusted and just not good. Its so frustrating. I am sad because im fat, but i eat because im sad. Its so dumb and should be easier to break this cycle! For some reason im having a hard time with this. I guess its because its what ive been doing my entire life! Eating has been a crutch! A coping mechanism. A reward. Everything it shouldnt be. Im so stuck in my old ways, im in my OWN way. Change is hard. I am so sick of feeling ugly.

Ok so Ive come up with a couple recipes while trying  secretly get my daughter to eat vegetables. They actually turned out pretty good! Although she is still not fooled, atleast I can share them with you. Its 2 unique tomato sauces.

--------->Cannelini beans, garlic, artichoke, tomato sauce

• So basically all I did was empty a can of drained cannelini beans, a can of artichoke hearts(NOT the ones in oil), a few cloves of garlic, and grape tomatoes as well as a can of unseasoned tomato puree into the blender and a little olive oil and let her rip. Just serve on top of any pasta.

---------->Roasted red pepper, caper, garlic tomato sauce

• Same thing, for this one i drained a few roasted red peppers and about a tablespoon and a half of capers and threw them in the blender. I also added a few garlic cloves, some beefsteak tomatoes and a can of pureed tomatoes and olive oil. Threw it on some angel hair and it was actually quite good!

If anyone tries any of these please let me know!!!! Id love to hear all about it.

<3 Also I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Honesty is my strength but some people may view it as a weakness. Even my horoscope, Libra, notes that I need to let all of my stresses out, shock you or bore you as it may, but that is how I try and cope. These past two years ive discovered something groundbreaking about myself. I DONT CARE. Yep, you heard(read) right. I dont care what people think of me anymore. I need to express myself and not hold back. Im honestIf theres one thing good thats come out of this anxiety struggle, its that realization right there, and most of all,the fact that I am NOT ashamed. Marilyn Monroe once said, If you dont like me at my worst, You sure as hell dont deserve me at my best. Words that I live by every single day. These are the cards I was dealt. Its my life, and im proud of the strength that ive gained. Sometimes things get really hard(like today), when my hands are shaking and my body and mind are racing and wont calm down, and it can be really difficult to endure. But sometimes im also really really happy, like when I come home from work and my beautiful, beautiful daughter RUNS into my arms with a huge smile on her face because she is just so happy to see me. Or when we go to sleep at night and I wake up to find that her face is nuzzled right into mine, and her hands are on my cheeks, despite my monstrous snoring! I believe every single day that we were meant to be. Despite anyones negative generalization of a young, unmarried single mom. I just dont CARE.  I love her more than anything on this planet, or any planet, or universe.
                                       

Hi! How was everyones weekend?!! Hopefully good! I was able to get outside a bunch, it was gorgeous weather. This week I was able to really see how great my 2 best friends are. We always come together in one of our times of need. Its such a special thing. Its pretty awesome when both of your best friends are best friends as well. They are both such doting aunts to my daughter. When everyone else faded away when I went through my car accident recovery, they were the only 2 there. When I got pregnant, there they were. When I had a new baby at home, still there. Almost 4 years later, weve been through so many different challenges in our lives. Heartache, depression-anxiety, success, grief, joy, and love. Our bond is unbreakable, the proof is right there. If theres one thing in life that I can count on, its them.
Thanks girls. You know who you are. :)

Dressing Room Depression, "DRD," has plagued me yet again. But this time its different. When the blouse doesnt fit, (because most of the time they dont) I stare into all 3 mirrors that surround me. Looking at every part of me that is extra. Shaking the arm fat( WHY do we do this), pulling at the double chin while looking side to side in each mirror. Looking at the way my thighs touch as if they are one big one. Its been so long since Ive been thin. But when I was thin, I still didnt feel it, or like the way I looked in these same mirrors. I sit down on the dressing room bench and think. I realize that the problem is not that im overweight. Being overweight is a result of the problem. Cause and Effect. Cause-Anxiety. Effect-Gain weight. The real problem is that for years ive spent every single day burying the same problem. Instead of dealing with it and facing it head on, I ran, I ate, I distracted. I swept it away because I was terrified.  I swept it away because I was scared. Scared SHITLESS. Being traumatized by something is serious. No matter what it is. It takes a huge toll on your health, body, and most of all, brain. Im proud to say that ive come a LONG way in just one year since ive started cognitive behavioral therapy. It literally saved me. So many things have happened in my life and I never dealt with any of it. How can I heal from one issue when another one just crashed into my life that I need to run away from too. Answer-i cant.
Control is something I always needed. When i didnt have it, I kinda lost myself. It changed me, without a doubt. Fears were uncontrollable and I just wanted control back over my body, my self. The truth is, ive always had it, I was just afraid I didnt. Its a struggle. But im getting stronger, every SINGLE day..
thanks for reading :)