Dressing Room Depression, "DRD," has plagued me yet again. But this time its different. When the blouse doesnt fit, (because most of the time they dont) I stare into all 3 mirrors that surround me. Looking at every part of me that is extra. Shaking the arm fat( WHY do we do this), pulling at the double chin while looking side to side in each mirror. Looking at the way my thighs touch as if they are one big one. Its been so long since Ive been thin. But when I was thin, I still didnt feel it, or like the way I looked in these same mirrors. I sit down on the dressing room bench and think. I realize that the problem is not that im overweight. Being overweight is a result of the problem. Cause and Effect. Cause-Anxiety. Effect-Gain weight. The real problem is that for years ive spent every single day burying the same problem. Instead of dealing with it and facing it head on, I ran, I ate, I distracted. I swept it away because I was terrified.  I swept it away because I was scared. Scared SHITLESS. Being traumatized by something is serious. No matter what it is. It takes a huge toll on your health, body, and most of all, brain. Im proud to say that ive come a LONG way in just one year since ive started cognitive behavioral therapy. It literally saved me. So many things have happened in my life and I never dealt with any of it. How can I heal from one issue when another one just crashed into my life that I need to run away from too. Answer-i cant.
Control is something I always needed. When i didnt have it, I kinda lost myself. It changed me, without a doubt. Fears were uncontrollable and I just wanted control back over my body, my self. The truth is, ive always had it, I was just afraid I didnt. Its a struggle. But im getting stronger, every SINGLE day..
thanks for reading :)